Most expats are sane, but if you’ve been in Thailand for a while you will have beyond a doubt met some expat crazies. Here are some true stories collected by sane expats encountering not so sane expats. To keep each expat’s name anonymous we will just name the expats, Expat A and Expat B, although in reality Expats A and B refer to many different people, with expat A being the sane expat and Expat B being one key short of a piano. All these stories are unfortunately true events.
Building a Plane
In this situation Expat A was informed by an alcoholic Expat B that he was building an airplane in his back garden, then promised Expat A that he would be the first person he would take up into the sky. Expat A was obviously concerned about this after hearing that Expat B had recently been running along the corridors of his apartment block in just his underpants shouting “I have the power!” before blacking out with his head on a pizza.
Blind Man Walking
Expat A met Expat B on a TEFL course. Expat B appeared to be quite normal, apart from having one trouser leg shorter than the other. However, one night Expat A spotted Expat B crossing a road with a white cane and wearing sunglasses, appearing to be blind. Expat A was understandably confused and asked why Expat B was walking around with a white cane and sunglasses on. Expat B then replied that the roads in Pattaya are dangerous for people crossing, so he makes out he’s blind to stop traffic and cross the road easier.
One evening, Expat A decided to take out his wife to a nice restaurant. Then, in the restaurant, halfway through the meal, flowers arrived at the table. Expat A then asked who the flowers were from and the flower seller pointed to Expat B a few tables away, whom Expat A had never met before in his life. Feeling awkward and a bit freaked out, Expat A went over to mysterious Expat B’s table where he was dining alone. When asked about why he had bought them the flowers, expat B replied “I’m the last member of the London Mafia and I own a stable of horses. I just sent the flowers to let you know that you are not in danger, I’ve got your backs, I’m looking after you both.” Then, when Expat A returned to his table confused, Expat B tipped them a strange, knowing wink.
Doors in Your Mind
Expat A was working with his colleague, Expat B, who at first appeared to be quite normal. However, one afternoon when Expat A was waiting for a customer to arrive, Expat B paid Expat A a visit. Expat B at fist asked “I notice that you are sitting there alone and thinking. What are you thinking about?” Expat B appeared strangely concerned, so Expat A replied “Just this and that, nothing in particular. Sometimes I like to sit in the quiet and think.” Then Expat B said, “I used to be like you Expat A, I used to think too much. Then I realised that all the computer games, movies and conversations I’d had throughout my life were still playing inside my head. So, I put all the computer games, movies and conversations I’d had in rooms in my mind; I switched off the TV sets, unplugged the computers and ended my conversations. There were so many rooms, it took me several weeks to achieve. . . but that wasn’t enough, as I had to put padlocks on all the doors in my mind. Then my mind was still.”
The Amazing Skiing Expat
Expat A was talking with a group of other people about sports. Expat B then arrived and joined in the conversation, informing everyone that he had once done bodybuilding but had to stop because his nether regions were alarmingly increasing in size. This silenced Expat A and the group’s conversation. Then Expat B added, “My friend wanted me to take up skiing, so he gave me a second hand ski. The only problem was that he didn’t buy two skis. Anyway, for fun I put on the single ski at the top of a ski slope, just joking around, but then I accidentally started to slide down the slope on one ski. Everyone was clapping who saw me ski down the ski slope on one leg. Then to my surprise, at the bottom they informed me that I had inadvertently broken the ski slope speed record, and to this day I hold the record.”