Expat 102: How to Drive like a Real Thai

1. Turn signals are for losers

turn-signal

As the saying goes, time is money. Who has time for signals here? Signaling will only make other cars speed up, making sure you can’t overtake them. Besides, don’t you just get a small satisfaction when cutting someone off? Take taxi drivers as an example, you don’t see them ever signaling before they change lanes do you? Exactly.

2. The bigger the better

bus-big

This rule is widely applicable to more than just cars. But in this case, if your car is big what do you care? Others ought to yield when you cut them off or they’d be crushed. Buses own the road here in Bangkok. They don’t even have to park at the bus stop since they’re big enough that people will walk to them instead.

3. There’s always room for more

pickup-truck

Your 5 seats vehicle won’t fit your whole squad? Think again. Take this as a personal challenge to beat your old record; the more the merrier! Let’s see how many friends you can fit in the backseat (or the front). Who needs seat belts anyway? Bonus points to those who own pick-up trucks. Very handy during Songkran season.

4. Emergency sirens can’t be THAT urgent

ambulance

I mean, if they are in that much of a hurry they’ll find a way right? Let’s just take it easy and help them out by praying for the best. No need to pull over or move out of the way or anything like that. Sending moral support is always the most helpful, right?

5. If the car can still run 40 km/hr, you aren’t loading enough stuff

truck-overload

Let the photo speaks for itself. You gotta get on this level.

6. Road markings are impractical

extra-lane

Two lanes on the road? but there are enough space for four. Conservation is good for the environment after all. Let’s all save some space; the road is obviously built for four. Besides, who has time to wait when these cars in front of you are OBVIOUSLY not gonna take this next exit in 2 km.

7. Pedestrians DOES NOT have the right of way

pedestrians

Sharing is not caring. Priorities, people. Cars > Humans. If they REALLY need to cross, I’m sure they will find a way. There must be a reason that crosswalks signals don’t usually work. People aren’t supposed to be crossing the streets; streets are for cars.

8. Yellow light = GO FASTER

yellow-light

This is a universal fact. Life is not an instructional video (that four hours long “drivers’ manual” they make you watch when you renew your Thai driver’s license). Better hurry up if you don’t wanna get rear-ended because the car behind you is definitely going faster too.

9. Street signs are merely suggestions

traffic mess

What? No U-Turn? Surely that can’t be the case, all the cars are definitely taking a U-Turn there. Plus, with this ridiculous traffic it’ll probably take another half an hour to get to the next U-turn. Ain’t nobody got time for that.

10. Parking is a matter of whether you can fit

no-parking

Best thing about Thailand? Street parking is always free! Just because other cars might not be able to pass, it should be fine if you’re making a quick stop, right? Just gotta be quick to make sure you don’t get any parking tickets. If police doesn’t see you, it’s probably not illegal..

11. Sidewalks are for motorcycles

sidewalk-motorcycle

Yup. Nobody really walks in Thailand anyway. If you happen to own one of those bad boys and need to bypass traffic, why not try the sidewalk? Those cracks allllmost feels like a massage if you ask me.

12. Wrong way? You mean the faster way!

wrong-way

Why drive all the way to the next U-Turn when the soi you’re trying to get to is just right there? I mean, as long as you stay close to the side nothing can go wrong. People do it all the time here anyway!

 

**This article is purely satirical and the author does not condone illegal actions/behaviors in anyway. This is meant for entertainment. Please drive safely and obey the traffic laws!**

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